So everyone wants to know how was the experience. I thought long and hard about if I had to do it all over again, what would I change...the answer I came up with is NOTHING. I will not act like a fool to put $ in someone else's pocket...give me my own show and now we're talking lol. The show was definately 'different'..it was nice to get away, all expenses paid, party, dress up, have pictures taken and meet Paris and new people in general. Sure it would have been nice to hang around for a little bit longer but if it means i'd have to do ridiculous stunts and part take in obsurb or stupid activites i'll pass...come on now, im a grown woman. I thought hanging out with Paris would have been cool but this is more than jumping trough hoops...the one person who continues to make a fool of themself and hang in there till the end deserves to win.
Oh and as for me being boring? I know how to Party and be the life of the Party but 1 there were no Quality Men at the Party (give me some motivation to shake it lol)bu the main reason is I didnt want to be seen dancing beside some of the contesteants that were acting like fools cuz like Jay Z said "from far you cant tell who is who".
im sure you'll see me again TTYL

MUAH
myspace.com/modelbaje

I'm extremely complex. Such so that I can't really define myself in a sentence.

Lately I can see that my nomadic mindset is redefining itself again in some new way I can't quite understand. Or maybe its that I don't want to accept it...

I'm just saying. I've dedicated 12 years of my life to service of some sort. No, let's say ideals...and it doesn't seem like I've served any of those ideals or maybe it's that I feel this immense feeling of waste. As if some master puppeteer took what small innocence myself and a few of my friends had and twisted it for their on gain...Leaving us all walking wounded in some form or another. None of us talk about it but we all have that same feeling. The frustrating feeling is I can't understand why I know that.

Dunno. I've just been angry lately for no apparent reason.

I moved to LA 3 months ago. I came here to tape a reality show for MTV, its called Paris Hilton's My New BFF and I just never left. I love it, there is a lot of work (and that's the main reason why I moved here). The show airs Sept 30th at 10pm

You can see clips from the show by clicking this link Play Well With Others | Paris Hilton's My New BFF: Casting Special | MTV

please leave a message and tell MTV to give me my own show:p

Since I moved, I worked with Kat Williams for The BET Hip Hop Awards, Kanyne West (for Love Lock Down Video), Julia Louis-Dreyfus and comedian Wanda Sykes (On the WB's new TV show called Old Christine) I worked on CSI Miami, and worked with director Lil X...to name a few.

I've been devoting most of my time and energy to my new book A Gold Diggers Guide. It's a self-help book for women, showing them how to get what they want WITHOUT giving it up. It will be available for purchase in November. However, it can be reserved now at AGoldDiggersGuide.com

...has been hitting me up.



I feel icked in a sense. Other exes have tried to get at me, but none have had such a leery approach. I sense hateful undertones all over this.

Dammit.

you ever have a memory.... that was so bad that you almost forced yourself to forget it?... the problem with these types of memories... is that they never fully go away... and manage to surface in the most inopportune of times... you try to drive them out again... and again... and again and again.... but they always manage to find their way back to you...


and then you have no choice but to relive it... review it... analyze it... and then analyze yourself... and question why such things happen to you... to ANYONE really...



it sucks that i have so many bad memories thoughout my life... and now i realize that some were a lot worse than others... some i hadnt remembered until somethings in my present kinda triggered them...


im left to wonder why we are given the paths we have... and what would life be like if we had the option to take different roads... for every bad experience we were subjected to, what if there was a "rewind" button. or some sort of sign that the bad was coming... i know that many lives would be very different... mine for sure.... chances are if i had the option... i would choose NOT to be so screwed up about so much...


it bugs me to know that other ppl made wrong decisions about my life on purpose... knowing that it would bring some sort of trauma and just not caring... it hurts to know i have to live with haunting memories and mentally prepare myself for the fact that there is always more to come... more to overcome.



whatever... just a thought.

July days all run into each other and I have proclaimed I have canceled summer. I’m pinching pennies with an unexpected $1300 trip to Trinidad and an onslaught of lawyer, bailiff, and security fees regarding the situation in Trinidad I couldn’t afford to be an alcoholic even if I wanted to be right now. :p

But slowly I try to get back into routine. The calls and emails From Trinidad are slowing down. The woman had been removed from the house but still causing havoc but at least she is out for now. I have a wedding to attend in back home and I have trying to work on a relationship. Yes, BitterSweet has a regular boy toy. I really suck at being a decent girlfriend, and I miss my parties with my girls but he treats me good and I have to grow up sometime right?

This is the first serious relationship since I had the fling with a younger man… I mean boy… left me heart broken. He was young and he told me he loved me a blew him off for awhile and then after 3-4 months of a relationship he one day he just disappeared. That’s right he stopped calling, messaging, txting, and never to be seen again. I had no idea why. I checked his public profile one week into his disappearance and he was ok to still adding friends on his facebook page, so he was alive and I just left it at that. I’m usually not so … emotional of a relationship split. I mean a few drinks and a couple parties later I’m back to my regular self. Somehow that one stung. The weight fell off and I was hurt, but the weight loss was fantastic and I looked fabulous for Trinidad, so there was a positive in the whole situation.

Fast forward to now and I am mending my life and working on this new relationship. It’s in the awkward stage where people bicker about the stupid little things just because now you are starting to see certain habits. However, with everything going on I am not in the mood for the bickering every weekend and would like some support. Not only has my father passed away but also my grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer and has been ill since May but has taken a turn for the worst.

My girlfriend has shown up out of the blue (she has been studying for the new york bar) with two tickets to an all white cruise. We went on a couple last summer, one was a red and white and the second was the net ball association casual cruise. So with an all white dress code enforced I assumed it was the first cruise I went on. I was happy to hang with friends and throw back I few drinks. Little did I know what I was getting into, I was wrong about the cruise.

I found out when I was on the boat it was the netball association’s…no biggie, except this is the cruise is the one that I met the younger boy that disappeared. Great. Lightening doesn’t strike twice, please don’t let lightening strike twice! He boarded the cruise, Damn it! I did the best I could to hide but out of a total of 5 people on the freakin boat at the time it was hard. So he stepped to me with the “I am sooo sorry”, “I think of you all the time,” “ I still love you… blah blah” garbage. I am in no position to kick him in the groin and run, I have nowhere to run unless I literally jump ship and it’s looking really good right now.

Where the hell is my mother. I have to call her I have to tell her about this one. Dial and dial and dial and I KNOW something is wrong now. Fcuk it I am drinking. So I few strong drinks of Hennessey and whatever else I drank I’m feeling like I can make it through the night. I dance and carry on, but I get cornered again by this boy… I can’t remember what was said. All I know is that I had two cigarettes, some woman kissed me on the cheek and some guys at the end of the night were cheering for me when I left the boat. All in all I made it through without getting thrown off the boat or punching someone in the gut.

Sunday I am antsy really bad. I decide to make the phone call I ever so dreaded. I called my grandmother and stupid me this is the first thing out of my mouth “Hi granny how are you doing?” well duh she is in the hospital dieing. I instantly mentally kick my self as I hear her frail voice come out in a whisper and say, “oh I am good I am doing well.” And not much else is said or heard. Mom takes back the phone and of course knows that will be upset regarding hearing my grandmother that way. I hang up and break down. Later on that night I was informed she passed away. Just finding out the news I get a txt message from young boy toy wanting to see me. Where the hell is my camera crew….

Vying for my own reality show.

Yes you read it right I am vying for my own reality show. Why? Because my life is 10 times more interesting then the **** I see on TV and if I have to go through what I am going though I might as well make money off it.

It all started when I found that the life I had been living and enjoying was slowly slipping away. I was taking this course that was seriously kicking my ass. Every day I would work on one assignment for 7 hours and still hadn’t resolved one question. The alarm would ring at 6 am and I would stumble out of bed wondering if I was going to work, school or scheduled study time.

I hadn’t realized how seriously drastic my life had changed until I really good friend came to visit and I couldn’t spare time to hang out with him. I was devastated at the opportunities I had to miss for this stupid course PHP MySQL course. And then everything changed.

June 10th I get I phone call that changes everything. I woman with a Trinidadian accent is on the other end I know who she is even though I have only met her once. She isn’t calling with good news. She tells me that my father has passed away and that I need to get there quick because there are too many loose ends.

Loose ends is an understatement. My somewhat estranged father has quite a heafty estate and I being the eldest of two children would be the next of kin EXCEPT…. Two women want to claim that they are indeed common law wives? Why? Because in Trinidad common law wives get half the estate. When I finally arrive in Trinidad I am carried from lawyer to lawyer. This woman who is claiming to be common law has already had a head start… so much so that she has already cleaned out the house of $100,000 dollars worth of medical equipment and any documents of land, deeds, investments, and any will that would have been left behind.

My first night of staying in the house she has threatened to stab any one of us. Great. Tell the cops that the house has been emptied but they can’t do anything but tell me “you know people here get killed over estate matters.” Great thanks.

Why can’t this woman be common law you may ask? Well considering in one of my father’s drunken rage in 2007 he described her nothing more as a stray cat that he felt bad for and took in. Perhaps she should have gone through his desk to while clearing out the house. There I found the restraining order they had against each other in 2006. And later when I returned to Canada the eviction notice from 2007 was later found. Is that stopping her? Nope she is trying to file for common law using the Trinidadian application NIS application and collecting documents from the towns people saying that she has been living in the house for 7 years. All lies considering I only met her once on my trips to Trinidad.

Oh and the other woman claiming to be common law… well she would’ve been the biggest threat except she has been renting in my father’s house for a few years now and had since moved out and was living with another man at the time of my father’s death. But hey this is Trinidad and anything seems to go.

Oh and the funeral yes can’t just have a regular funeral with time to grieve. No can’t do that. A sales consultant shows up wanting someone to sign a rental document. A property that my father owned had been rented and needed to be leased. But that’s minor considering someone introduced himself to me as my father’s eldest son. Ya, wait a minute I have ONE brother and he is younger. All I remember is someone coming up to him while he is trying to talk to me “is his name on your birth certificate… No? oh ok.” And off they scurry. No one has seen this man before.

My day was daily barrage of calls and emails from Trinidad that I could do little about, I had to switch lawyers and pay my dad’s bailiff to evict this woman who wouldn’t leave the house. Oh and nevermind the curses, obeah and speaking to ONE my father's lawyers that mentions she doesn't doubt that this "common law" had something to do with the death. No wonder she was so quick to have my father cremated. OH the joys! but then I started to get my life on track… well I tried….

anniversary from my surgery! I have been blessed to come thru this ongoing process without any complications!! To date, I have lost 227 pounds...down from 547 to 320. I want to come down to about 225 pounds or so as my goal...I don't want to get too skinny! lol. It's been at least over 10 years since I've been this size. I was at a 72 in jeans (I know that is huge!!) and is now down to around a 46. I want to thank everyone for their support. :cool:

well... let's see... in this past month alone i have seen a loved one... watched him leave...
been yelled at...
blamed for...
accused...
spazzed on... my list goes on really...



i feel like im at the end of my rope... too much is happenin too fast all at once...

my uncle wants me out... he says im not doin anything (i guess workin doubles til i just about pass out is nuthin... i suppose payin off allll that debt acquired, also, is nuthin)

bill collectors are takin my money from me before i even see it... (fun times... really)

i just recently had a series of panick attacks...

cut off my hair...

yeaaaa..... kinda losin my mind over here...

i always thought that i was this good person... yet all these bad things just keep cpming at me... it makes me wonder... what did i do? was i cruel to someone? do something i wasnt supposed to? i cant help but think this has something to do with karma or that whole "sins of the Father" business... i have always strived to do the right thing... so why does the bad just keep happenin to me? what did i do to deserve this?

im backed into a corner of the world with no help and no understanding...

and honestly i just feel like giving up.... cause things def dont seem to be lookin up...

The club I spin for on Saturdays started a night for lesbian women only this past Saturday. She is a lesbian herself and quite a few of her friends been asking her to do it. My brother visiting from VA this past weekend and myself were the only men in the building. For us, it was like being in a candy store with your mouth wired shut!:) There were the pretty ones and the "butch" ones present. What was really interesting was that, in terms of couples, it was always mixed...I didn't see see two "girly" females or two butch females together. This kind of suggests that even in gay relationships, at least for the women that were there, one has to be the masculine and the other feminine. The butch ones had on the jeans, the masculine shirts, the short haircuts...the whole nine yards. Some I thought were dudes until they came over and made a request. I am cool about the gay night for women, but it would take a lot for money for me to do one for men. But the owner said she wanted a place just for the ladies to come to feel free to be themselves.

That is all!

A woman isn't the back bone of a man, but rather the breastbone, that protects his heart.

You all laugh at me
b/c I'm different.
I laugh at you b/c
you all are the same...

:cool:

I can't believe it.

I've been dawdling and experimenting with life since I got the AA at 18... and I have been fighting my way through this rigorous degree program since March 07. . . banging my head against the wall because I had no spring breaks... 10 weeks on, 2 weeks off, and keep it moving. Now, at this point, I check my degree plan and all I have left are electives... and then my "capstone"... and a Cumulative Program GPA of 3.94.

Wow.
I'm proud of myself.

At the same time, though, I am learning that some parents just don't get it. School is not easy and does not guarantee your life will be any easier. In fact, life can stay just as it is, only with a certification that you're "intelligent" in an academic standard. Who knows what this degree will mean or do for me after it is here.

so im sure i havent said anything about this to most... but my Cat, Oreo, had been lost for almost 2 months... my uncle left the back door open and she just walked out...

i was VERY upset... for a very long time she was my only company... anyways...

i'll have you all know that i am actually near-sighted... and SHOULD wear glasses... but seldom do... today was one of the many days that i didnt...

so me and my uncle and my ex were on the roof of the house inspecting what needed to be done to it... and while standing on the edge... i spotted MY cat in the neighbor's yard...

"...sunofa.... THEY STOLE MY CAT!!!"
"jessi thats not your cat..." said my uncle and the ex..

just to prove it... my ex called out OREO... and guess who turned her head and looked right at him..? and then i said it and she started cryin...

"i dont believe it..." they said... and my uncle went over there to get her... i cried... seriously... you have no idea how much i missed that pain in the a s s...

my uncle gives her to me.. and shes all calm in my arms... and after holdin her for 2 seconds i realized my cat is pregnant... smh and got some pretty nasty scars (apparently she got into a nasty fight with the neighbor's cat... AND WON!... THIS IS AN INSIDE CAT WHO HAS NEVER SEEN THE OUTSIDE AT ALL... i just love it when the underdog wins!)


but yes! me, the blind one... found my cat!! WOO! this day just keeps gettin better :)

for actually figurin out how how to actually USE this thing!...
i now have a blog title
categories... and all that jazz... and i did it all by my lonesome... these are exciting times...


it makes me think on all the things that i have had to figure out thruoughout time... it just makes me think on all the struggles... and the great feelings it gives you when you realize that you did it.. without assistance.. without a book... and perhaps against all odd s... its always good to know that you have it in you do accomplish all these great things in life... and even the simplist of things like this, for example... can bring great pleasure and satisfaction because it was all YOU...



just a thought really...