Accepting my darkest secret

Alright so here's the thing, for most of my life i have had a secret that i have hated, that i have been ashamed of and that i have only shared with one person and that's my missus.

It's something that started a long time ago, when i was 11 or possibly younger and for the longest time i had repressed it from my mind, but it has come back and been playing with my mind. My girlfriend has told me that i need to stop being ashamed of it and i have to learn to accept it so that i can move forward from it.

So in an effort to be more accepting of it i've decided to write this up here, to let it out in an attempt to reconcile with my past.

Like i said it all started when i was young, maybe 10 or 11 years old, definitely pre-teen years when i was still just a kid. One day i was rummaging through my brothers desk looking for a ruler for some homework when i came across a porno magazine. Being so young i was rather taken aback even though my brother is 4 years older then me. Anyways, the next day or maybe two days after i asked him about it and he freaked a bit and said he was holding it for a friend who got busted with others at school. I thought nothing more of it.

Some time later maybe a week or a month i don't know we were playing in his room when he asked me if i wanted to see it, now i was a kid but i was still very curious at an early age so i said yes. We were looking through it and my brother was asking me questions on what i thought and he must have eventually asked me if i was excited by the pictures. To cut this part of the story short as we were looking through the magazine and he pulled his piece out. Eventually i did too, he was my brother and he said it was natural because it was simple curiosity and fascination and that i needed to start learning about my body. Nothing else happened on this occassion, after a while we packed it all in and left it at that.

But it soon became a re-occuring thing with us, my parents both worked long hours and my oldest brother was always out with his friends so my brother and i were home alone. As time passed things progressed and one day he broached the topic of oral sex, even though i was young i didn't really want to get involved, i had no bad feelings about seeing my brothers piece so long as he kept it to himself. But eventually that changed, one day we were sitting in his room or my room i don't know which and he asked about it again and i was still apprehensive because it just felt wrong but before i knew it he had already started to administer it to me.
I was shocked and didn't really know what to do, part of it felt alright but i didn't really know if it was right or if i should stop or what. i still was only around 11, i hadn't even started to develop at this stage in my life.

Eventually, he asked back if i wanted to try and even though i didn't want to, my mind certainly didn't want to, what little hormones i had in my body at this stage were in charge and i did.

This continued on for a number of years at least 2 or 3 and never progressed any further, but everytime we would stop i felt great remorse and guilt, but i was never strong enough with my will power to actually say that i didn't want to participate anymore because it wasn't right.

Now i was never mad or angry with my brother, i don't know if some of you are thinking that he took advantage of his kid brother or whatever, that's not the case i don't believe because i never looked at this in terms of molestation or abuse. My brother and I are very closely knit these days and it's not because of what we did, he had an accident 3 years ago that cracked his skull and erased a lot of his memories, what we did was part of the memories he lost so i'm the only one who lives with the memories.

The problem is two things, one even though i hated it my psyche obviously developed a connection between hormones and the activity and there were some aspects of it that eventually i did enjoy to some degree, but as i learned to control my hormones i was able to repress the memories and sever the connection of the activity from my hormones i believed. The second is by controlling my hormones, by learning how to have the willpower to keep my mind in control i had repressed so many of those memories because i do feel a lot of guilt and remorse about them and i hate myself for participating when i didn't want. But recently with my girlfriend, our intimacy has gone into a whole new world and i wasn't ready for the repurcussions of it, my hormones went raging wild and i stopped trying to control them and it unlocked sooo many memories again and it also unlocked a desire to try it again it seemed to re-attach part of the old connection between my hormones and the activity.

When my mind is in control everything dies down, when i'm with my girlfriend everything is calm, she gives me peace and strength.

The memories have been haunting me and i have had a lot of conversations with my gf who has been so loving and supportive. i've lost a lot of sleep over the last month or two because of the memory flashbacks and this is why she wants me to make peace with this secret, to let it go. So this is why i am letting this out here, you can hall of shame it, you can lock it so no one see's it, but i had to let this out in an effort to try and release my anguish over my past.

I can't repress it forever, i have to find a way to release the regret.

__________________

Marqi1911

Interesting.
Yeah this place is like a support group.
You are indeed brave for coming out to the people here cuz this thread could have gone many different ways, so I am happy that you are getting positive out of the statements you are making

Good luck in your self discovery through accepting things that have happened in your past to apply towards your future in a positive manner.

lightskintwin

Tmi

mrmckoy

I'm "stoked"...

but i do hope writting this has found you some peace

Locutus 2.0

Sinista... we've known each other for years now. You know that I have always thought of you as one of the better members of our old board and I STILL think you're one of the shining examples our gender has in existence.

If you ever need to vent to anyone like yelling and all that... I'm here, bro.

Everyone else has given you great advice. I can't add to it except to re-iterate what Nikki said in getting counseling and Lauryn said in forgiving yourself.

Be well man. Blessings to you!

LonelyPrince

I don't know what to add w/o sounding redundant, that's a crazy situation... I do hope you find peace, search from within.

THE HERETIC

Personally speaking, I would think that this matter would have best been discussed between you and your brother.

I think you should have called him up and said you guys needed to talk alone.

I think you should have had some dinner to prepare yourself for what you had to say, get some booze, and then tell him your feelings.

If you both would have gotten angry, it should happen. If you both would fight, it should happen. After the explosion you would be able to hear where he was coming from and his feelings now, and he would understand your old and new feelings better, too.

That next morning, you should have made a pact to never discuss it again on paper and burn it.

Some of you guys'n'gals that have read my posts before might think I'm being funny or not taking it lightly what this man said, but trust me: I'm as serious as a heartattack, and I hope no one is offended by my opinion.

Certain ghosts can only be slain by the creators. And just like that experience was privately made, sometimes they are best killed privately. Everybody doesn't need to know your business.

Most problems really just need to recognized and dealt with by the parties involved. Think about it. If a person was raped, would telling everyone about it heal it as much as dealing with the person that did it in a satisfactory manner with no one knowing it happened but you, or telling more than the 3 or 5 most important people in your life?

S#it, I wouldn't have told my girl unless there was a ring on the finger...the big one you get AFTER the wedding.

Have you felt better posting this like your girlfriend convinced you to do, or do you feel worse? How do you think you would have felt if you would have done what I said?

In any case, I truly sympathize with you, because it is impossible for me to empathize. That is some deep stuff. However, it is NOT anything so bad that you can't lick.

My best wishes are with you.