Accepting my darkest secret

Alright so here's the thing, for most of my life i have had a secret that i have hated, that i have been ashamed of and that i have only shared with one person and that's my missus.

It's something that started a long time ago, when i was 11 or possibly younger and for the longest time i had repressed it from my mind, but it has come back and been playing with my mind. My girlfriend has told me that i need to stop being ashamed of it and i have to learn to accept it so that i can move forward from it.

So in an effort to be more accepting of it i've decided to write this up here, to let it out in an attempt to reconcile with my past.

Like i said it all started when i was young, maybe 10 or 11 years old, definitely pre-teen years when i was still just a kid. One day i was rummaging through my brothers desk looking for a ruler for some homework when i came across a porno magazine. Being so young i was rather taken aback even though my brother is 4 years older then me. Anyways, the next day or maybe two days after i asked him about it and he freaked a bit and said he was holding it for a friend who got busted with others at school. I thought nothing more of it.

Some time later maybe a week or a month i don't know we were playing in his room when he asked me if i wanted to see it, now i was a kid but i was still very curious at an early age so i said yes. We were looking through it and my brother was asking me questions on what i thought and he must have eventually asked me if i was excited by the pictures. To cut this part of the story short as we were looking through the magazine and he pulled his piece out. Eventually i did too, he was my brother and he said it was natural because it was simple curiosity and fascination and that i needed to start learning about my body. Nothing else happened on this occassion, after a while we packed it all in and left it at that.

But it soon became a re-occuring thing with us, my parents both worked long hours and my oldest brother was always out with his friends so my brother and i were home alone. As time passed things progressed and one day he broached the topic of oral sex, even though i was young i didn't really want to get involved, i had no bad feelings about seeing my brothers piece so long as he kept it to himself. But eventually that changed, one day we were sitting in his room or my room i don't know which and he asked about it again and i was still apprehensive because it just felt wrong but before i knew it he had already started to administer it to me.
I was shocked and didn't really know what to do, part of it felt alright but i didn't really know if it was right or if i should stop or what. i still was only around 11, i hadn't even started to develop at this stage in my life.

Eventually, he asked back if i wanted to try and even though i didn't want to, my mind certainly didn't want to, what little hormones i had in my body at this stage were in charge and i did.

This continued on for a number of years at least 2 or 3 and never progressed any further, but everytime we would stop i felt great remorse and guilt, but i was never strong enough with my will power to actually say that i didn't want to participate anymore because it wasn't right.

Now i was never mad or angry with my brother, i don't know if some of you are thinking that he took advantage of his kid brother or whatever, that's not the case i don't believe because i never looked at this in terms of molestation or abuse. My brother and I are very closely knit these days and it's not because of what we did, he had an accident 3 years ago that cracked his skull and erased a lot of his memories, what we did was part of the memories he lost so i'm the only one who lives with the memories.

The problem is two things, one even though i hated it my psyche obviously developed a connection between hormones and the activity and there were some aspects of it that eventually i did enjoy to some degree, but as i learned to control my hormones i was able to repress the memories and sever the connection of the activity from my hormones i believed. The second is by controlling my hormones, by learning how to have the willpower to keep my mind in control i had repressed so many of those memories because i do feel a lot of guilt and remorse about them and i hate myself for participating when i didn't want. But recently with my girlfriend, our intimacy has gone into a whole new world and i wasn't ready for the repurcussions of it, my hormones went raging wild and i stopped trying to control them and it unlocked sooo many memories again and it also unlocked a desire to try it again it seemed to re-attach part of the old connection between my hormones and the activity.

When my mind is in control everything dies down, when i'm with my girlfriend everything is calm, she gives me peace and strength.

The memories have been haunting me and i have had a lot of conversations with my gf who has been so loving and supportive. i've lost a lot of sleep over the last month or two because of the memory flashbacks and this is why she wants me to make peace with this secret, to let it go. So this is why i am letting this out here, you can hall of shame it, you can lock it so no one see's it, but i had to let this out in an effort to try and release my anguish over my past.

I can't repress it forever, i have to find a way to release the regret.

__________________

Miss Nikki

Well your brother did take advantage of you and he did molest you. There are a lot of people in this world who molest and abuse others at a young age. You were convenient to him. I dont feel pity or sorrow for someone like your brother because of examples of what youre going through in your adult life. You can learn to deal with your situation but you will never forget what happened to you. I dont know if he had any of his own children but chances are ... he molested them as well.

Im sorry that this happened to you. It happens to millions of little boys and girls who never say anything because like any other types of abuse, the victim doesnt want to see the abuser in trouble or get hurt. The victim usually feels a need to protect their abuser and keep things to themselves and live with the guilt.

Have you ever tried counseling? Do you have any children? Do you feel urges to be with a man or little boy? From what has what happened to you in the past ... does it make you want to hurt yourself?

Kudos for coming out to tell your story ... you never know who you may touch .. youre a brave person!

SinistA

Thank you for your thoughts Miss Nikki, like i said though i have never seen this as an example of molestation, i have never had any ill will towards my brother and i have never told my family because i fear for what it could do to the family. We have enough troubles, enough fights and my parents suffer greatly already, i have no need to add to their troubles with claims of abuse that may not be completely true.

I was young and my brother was older and in a position of trust so i do understand where the molestation point of view can come from, but my brother wasn't an adult which is why i guess i don't see it in that sense.

I haven't tried counselling, i have considered the option for it though but never looked into it. i believe that this history is a leading cause in my social anxiety that i have suffered from since my days as an adolescent because of the shame i felt in what i did. But in the end all i had to do was say no and it would have been done with, i honestly believe that.

I don't have any children though i would like to one day and i pray that they never come across this, if they do explore themselves i pray it's done in a more secure and natural way i guess because all kids go through phases of curiosity about their bodies during life's changes.

i have no desires to be with a man, i find men really off putting in sexual sense, to me it's just not right and it's just not me, i love the female form first and foremost and most definitely have an affinity for the kitty.
Little boys most definitely NOT, i have a nephew who is my godson and i wish him nothing but innocence in his childhood, in fact he turns 9 in 11 days.

I have never wanted to harm myself because of my experiences, they may have pained me at times but like i said until recently i have been able to block out so much of it. I never ignored that it happened, but i was able to ignore the details. Lately though it's changed and i've had so many flashbacks which has caused me to lose a lot of sleep.

I have had a lot of talks about it with my girlfriend and she has been so supportive of everything that i have told her which only makes me love her on such an incredibly more deeper level. i feared that revealing this secret would push her away from me and it has brought us closer together.
The problem is right now, is all these memories come with physical memories as well, remembering emotions and sensations of the time and even though i was always uncomfortable with what took place afterwards some aspects naturally had some enjoyment to them.
Because the physical memories are coming back, there is a lingering desire to actually feel it again that i don't want to have because i know it just leads to more guilt and remorse. This is what i am trying to overcome with my girlfriends help.

Miss Nikki

Touching back on the molesting part ... I know you love your brother .. and he was put in a position of trust because of his age .. however, he took advantage of that trust given to him. Although he was a child, he still knew right from wrong.

Dont blame yourself and say all you had to say is stop or no .. Because he wouldve found a way to minipulate you to get you to do what he wanted. Dont think for a second that if you wouldve said No that he wouldve stopped or it wouldve stopped there. I feel so bad for you because you seem like youre such a loving and giving person. Im so sorry that you had to go through this because its affecting you now. And it will continue if you dont seek some type of outside counseling. Believe me.. it does work!

The first step in finding the right type of counselor is choosing someone that has dealt with issues like yours. Dont expect to spill everything out in one session. Dont expect to get results right away. Dont expect for your past and present feelings to go away because they will NEVER go away. Counseling will teach you how to deal with your past when you have "physical" problems and flashbacks from those unfortunate events.

Remember .. Just because your brother was a minor .. Does not excuse the fact that he molested you. He took advantage of your innocence. Obviously you were not old enough and mature enough to make the decision to tell him to stop or tell him no ... and he was. Child molestors come in all ages hun .. Believe that!

Maaarf

that's fuc ked up of your brother! this fits into the typical "guardian" molestation profile - the molestee doesn't have any ill feelings towards the molester cause the molester is older and is supposed to provide protection and safety. and how convenient of him to lose those exact memories..... i'm just saying.... i bet he still remembers all the good times

RedEarth

Wooow! That's crazy! I'm not gonna comment on your brother, because I wasn't there, and I can tell by what you're typing that you didn't reveal all this for us to pass judgment on your brother. You know your brother better than any of us, so I'm just gonna take your word at face value that he was somehow too sexually immature and naive (even at the age of 15 ) to know what was appropriate in his male sexuality. What I will say is that I wish I could say this is unheard of, but it's not. My mother has told me about similar stories that have happened with her brothers in her family. That's why I think parents should discuss issues of sexuality with their kids at a young age, inform them of what is appropriate and inappropriate when it comes to sexual curiousity, especially these days when sexually explicit material is more easily accessible to them.

If I was you Sin, first thing you need to do is forgive yourself man. You were kids. You guys didn't know any better (the jury's still out on your brother, but again I digress), but we all come into this world a blank slate, not knowing right from wrong, what's acceptable and unacceptable, until your siblings, parents, peer group, teachers, etc., check you, and put you in your place to show you what's acceptable and what's not. Your folks weren't around to educate you and your brother about this either, so there's nothing that can be done about that...

As far as releasing the regret, telling your folks about it will just stir up more drama like you said..beating the shyt out of your brother for some stuff he doesn't even remember won't help you heal I don't think..Maybe if you talked to young kids in schools in your area, tell them about your experience so they don't have to go through the same thing? Like I said, I think it happens more often than people think..especially these days with the internet being the way it is.

Another thing you could do, is check out this book I've read, it's called Every Man's Battle, google it. It speaks on a lot of the things you mention struggling with here in your post.

lilredbeesh

hmm...you're one brave guy...even behind the security of my computer screen i wouldn't want to release that kind of personal shiit to all these lurking fools on this site...however...you're on the right track i think...get with a support group...a close family member of mine was molested as a child and it affects her to this day...nearly 30 years later...the reason behind her alcoholism i like to think and her mother didn't believe her...so that did some psychological work on her. definitely go talk about it...being around other people who have been in similar situations will help i think...and i think you SHOULD come to terms that your brother did molest you...that's subconsciously eating at you man...if you don't feel you were molested...then why even post this?? age has nothing to do with what he did to you...at 15 you know the basics...just tellin it like i read it...i hope you can get some relief whatever route you take.

SinistA

Thank you to those of you who have replied openly with your views and opinions.

i have had a lot of discussions with my girlfriend over the past two weeks about this and being able to talk so openly to her and to have her being so supportive of everything i've been saying has been incredible for me and i've been able to return to some regular sleep patterns. Not that i ever had any doubts, but what she has done for me and shown me of herself in the last week or two has set in stone my desire to marry her, to be with her forever, to see her become the mother of my children.

I never honestly looked too hard in to the theory that i was molested, but given the strong reactions here i have decided to look into this further. I guess the reason i never did look at that angle too much was two reasons, the first being i always considered molestation to be an act of forced intercourse from a figure of a higher generation, father, uncle, etc. never thought it would include siblings. The second being that what transpired never went past oral sex and even that never got close to the point of climax so i've always seen it in my mind as a mere state of play.
But like i said, everyone has expressed a very strong opinion on the matter so perhaps it is time for me to look into the possibility of it and i do plan to do that.

The deal with my brother (and i'm not pushing his innocence i'm just clarifying for Maarf) was that he lost an extremely large portion of his memories from his life (as well as his sense of taste and smell) and through family photo's and video's we helped him to rediscover some of his memories. I've never sat down with him to discuss what took place in the old days, i've never refreshed his memory, it may be that he has recovered it and never mentioned it to me i don't know. But if nothing else i believe i will have to have the discussion with him someday, i can't ignore the fact that what transpired back in those days affected me.

Thank you for putting forth the replies, it has helped, one of the greatest things i have grappled with all these years - and this largely but not entirely explains my problems with social anxiety - is fearing how people would judge me for what transpired in my past.

Miss Nikki

Im glad that you allowed and trusted this community to be able to give you our views. I wish you the best in whatever you do Sin!

TheLaurynDoll

You're brave to come clean with that.
I've been a victim of being taken advantage of by someone cole to me too.

You have to forgive yourself, and just work to make sure that the person who did this to you does not attempt to hurt others in this aspect as well.


I never believed you were gay for this, as it was a female who did this to me, and no matter how vocal I was about it, some people still try to dismiss it as "girls playing out their tendencies." I don't believe that bullsh-t and conceding to abuse/molestation from the same sex does not denote homo or bisexuality. There are plenty of things I try not to judge people on, but sexual abuse is not tolerable or acceptable.